He felt he had tried close to every method. He did not want to resolve it with drugs. He knew that was not the way to go.
it felt hopeless. No matter which way he approached it, there was no way his mind and body left him alone. There was no way to get the peaceful sleep he wanted and needed.
He had tried lying on his back, his side – both left and right he even tried lying on the belly. Nothing seemed to have the slightest effect. He had of course tried lying in all the directions of the compass – he knew it was a feeble attempt, but still hoped it would result in the sleep he yearned for. He had even tried to sleep in different rooms in the house, hoping that this would help his insomnia-like state. He could not recall the last time he had a good night sleep. It had to be weeks, if not months. What had happened? Why would his mind not just shut down?
He could not understand why it needed to be like this. His everyday life had not changed noticeable the last few years. His mind often drifted of. He was aware of this. Perhaps he feared for his future? No. It could not be. There was nothing threatening him as far as he could see.
Still he tossed and turned night after night. Was jerked out from his semi sleep with sudden rushes through his stomach and chest. Other nights he just lied there with closed eyes, trying to sleep. This often resulted in high brain activity. He could really not call it thoughts. It was no easy way to identify what was going on in his sleepy mind. It all came in sudden surges of uncertainty. Or so he thought it was. It was a feeling he did not know, or perhaps it was something he had learned to suppress a long time ago. Back when he had understood that sometimes the best thing to do was to shut the system down. It often resulted in less pain.
He knew that in his past there had been times he had to shut down his emotions to be able to lead, what he meant, was a normal and sensible life. There were to many people out there who had nothing in their mind, but them self. They didn’t care if others got hurt. All they cared about was their self and what they could gain from others. He did not want to be one of those. These people, had in his mind, a lack of moral and sense. He knew that the best way to avoid sending out wrong signals, was to shut him self down emotionally. This was a long time ago. He felt he had managed quite well. Of course, he could, in retrospective, see some flaws in his plan and strategy. It seemed that in doing this, he had in fact made some major misjudgments of situation; thus said things, and behaved in a manner that might have been more hurtful and harsh than he ever intended. Looking back, he often wished he had done and seen things differently. He knew he couldn’t undo what he had done. He had understood that he had lost an golden opportunity that might never come again. This made him more than often, at least when he thought of it, kick him self hard in the back.
He was in conflict with him self. He could continue to lock him self up, avoiding to risk what he had manage to build. A solid shield that he alone could control. He had been hurt before and maybe this was the reason he despised the people he felt lacked what he meant was a good sense of moral. Still. Some how the ghosts from the past had started haunting him again. He did not know what was wrong. He had perfected his defense, and could not see how this had made it past his solid wall. It had to be a strong force that was effecting him. Deep down inside, he had a faint idea of what it was. He was just not sure if he wanted to set it free again. It had been so painful before. It had been so long. He could not stand the thought of doing it all over again. But would it be worth it? He was not sure. He felt that his life was pretty good as it was. What if it failed miserably? What would he do? Would he cope? He honestly did not know. All the things floating around in his mind made him confused. Why should it be so hard? These things were, after all, quite normal. Billions had managed before. Still. He was not sure. If he decided to let down his guard. What would the outcome be? He was terrible reading others. Especially when it concerned the opposite sex which had caught his eye. Perhaps it was best leaving things the way it was. No harm done. Life goes on. He was sure this was a good alternative. He never dared hope for anything else. Perhaps if he got hit in his face with a shovel. Perhaps than he would consider doing something. He had learned that sometimes it is not preferable to jump to conclusions. A misjudgment could very well end in disaster and tears for both.
To be continued???
Simply Writing 